Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Recent twits...

Newsflash: community service for Man charged with licking Terence Stamp...

Corsodyl: for people who spit blood, when they brush their teeth. Wonder if they advertise weapons (tampons, condoms)...

Misreading History: 1. the Vikings. Best known for rope and pilchards...

I could make a fortune as a blood donor: I'm Croesus Negative...

Sports Personality of the Year; Cuban Entrepreneur of the Year; BNP Multiculturalist of the Year; Sexiest Spoon; Fastest Plant; Laziest Bee...



Ellen Page channels Mary Pickford and Marc Bolan

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Overheard in a dream

Overheard in a dream. These are creatures made entirely of spoons. We must chain onions to them, and make them sing.

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Some Jokes

1. Beaten up in an Oxford library. Grievous Bodleian harm.
2. Why is pop so repetitive? Tell me why. I don't like Mondays. Tell me why. I just told you. Tell me why. Come on.
3. My horse tells dirty jokes. He's a ribald pony.
4. Just bumped into Octopus at the casino. He's an invertebrate gambler.
5. Always thinking about a tiny army marching around in my head. Keeps my mind occupied.
6. I was hoping to get a few Buddhist Monks to perform at my wedding. Chants'd be a fine thing.
7. Overheard passing Ann Summers. No, Mr Harris, we don't do them in children's sizes.

Sunday, 11 August 2013

And in the Spiritual Sky...




And in the Spiritual Sky, entranced by the music of his golden flute, Radhe leans in devotion towards Krisna, raises her kohl-black eyes, purses her pink lips, and softly kisses a pearl which hangs from his beautiful blue neck. And inside the whiteness, grey marble cracks, and black, liquid eyes appear from dry crumbling white-face. And shoals of blue, green, yellow and red butterflies, with huge black fluttery eye-lids, tug across a raggedy rainbow screen, and gift a fitful flying colours infusion.

Monday, 13 May 2013

Down with Skool...




Ah, maybe it wasn't all bad...
 
 
There is a tiny knock on the staffroom door. At first I think there is no-one there. But, looking down, there is Ruth: shock of fair hair, almost obscuring her little face; big, uplifted manga eyes peep out. She has come to tell me that Roland, her brother, is poorly and won’t be in school today. In small, confidential tones, she goes on to give me the daily update: the life and times of Ruth and Roland’s mouse.

 

There is a wind blowing in from the hills, and we all stand by the main entrance, high above the town, as Harrington expertly unties the basket, and releases his star pigeon. With a second’s stall, she is off, describing an arc across a clear, blue sky.

 

‘He’s been gone a long time; he only went out for a wee.’ Perched on the teacher’s table, book in hand, wandering the moors with Cathy, Heathcliff, and some sleepy teenagers (for what seems like twenty years), I glance at my watch, and at the empty chair before me, which had been shunted backwards as he got up to leave. Suddenly the door bursts open, all heads turn, and Dave is in the room, knees bent, arms spread, ta – ra triumphant in full Superman costume.