horoscopes

Warm Flute

you are the kind of person who can’t resist snuggling

Affectionate Warm Flautist, you are the kind of person who can’t resist snuggling up to old ladies in bus shelters, and fastening interesting zips to their ruddy, mildly surprised, but warmly appreciative faces, or occasionally wallpapering strangers’ bathrooms when they are away. You are beginning to develop stylish, temporary crushes on side-show dwarves in thread-bare trousers, and should always keep some moist sand under your bed, in your bank account, or in the neat, pleated pockets of your great-aunt’s cardigan. Beware the second Sunday of the Month, especially if the policeman in your sock drawer begins to cosy up to your lucky cutlery.

 

Ape Twin

 

inseparable from your brother

Ape twin, inseparable from your brother, your sister, your husband, wife, or lover, seemingly joined at the hip, you have trouble standing upright in crowded rooms, often approaching strangers in hotel lobbies, giggling incontinently, and encouraging them to apply for overdrafts, or exchange puppies for bits of rolled up newspaper. You struggle to find yourself – especially when, on your hands and knees, at parties, you look for loose change behind sofas or inside fitted wardrobes. Embarrassed by fire, straining to reach high shelves, you often forget the words to conversations, and just hum the tune, or become suddenly preoccupied with receipts, sandwiches, or the library cards of dead people.

 

Comfortable Trouser

                                                         you just hate being nasty

You are sympathetic, sweet and kind. You just hate being nasty to anyone, though you do have a tendency to build sandcastles in post-office doorways, to prevent easy access for pensioners. At other times, you are so keen to be nice that you kidnap needy people, march them onto waiting coaches, and drive them to Skegness for ice-creams, kiss-me-quick hats, and bracing walks in borrowed cardigans. If you don’t get instant rewards for your charitable works, becoming anxious, you tap dance and whistle show tunes outside police stations, manically folding damp toilet paper into startling replicas of Mahatma Gandhi. Try being genuinely, honestly, nasty once in a while. Or, at least, try to eat less and wear warmer clothes. You’ll be a nicer - if not taller - person for it.